How to heal from trauma: find the light
Last night, I realised that I am finally healing. I chose to leave a theatre show called A Little Life half way through, because I just didn't need to be re-traumatised.
Here's your trigger warning - don't read on if you don't want to read about horrifying abuse and self-harm.
2023 is bizarre. We're all more afraid than ever before of accidentally saying the wrong thing and being 'cancelled' - yet a play showing unimaginable child abuse sold out in minutes.
I took a friend’s ticket on an ADHD whim, having forgotten what the book was about. A few minutes in, we were watching a man cut his arm open with a razor blade, blood pouring out.
There were people sitting on the stage, so they could be as close as possible. There's really no other words for it than torture porn. Rape, child abuse, eating disorders, self-harm, domestic violence, suicide, grooming - this was just a display of the very worst of humanity.
I believe in freedom of expression - but what I don't like is how many people were actively self-harming and traumatising themselves by watching this. How our society holds this up as a hot ticket - to see whether you can withstand watching suffering you probably couldn't have imagined seeing, despite the 7 trigger warnings for the show.
I have experienced a lot of this suffering myself throughout my life. Therapists have told me how I need 'years' of trauma therapy to be able to be a functioning human being. I have spent years of my life unravelling the things that were done to me, and constructing a life that feels safe, because it's mine.
I didn't leave because I was upset and 'triggered'. On the contrary, I have experienced first hand of the worst of humanity, so it wasn't that shocking to me. What was stressful was worrying about the people around me covering their faces and crying. What does exposing yourself to something like that do to you, if you've never experienced anything like it before? Why did they all put themselves through it? Why was I putting myself through it?
I left because I know that it's a bad ending, but this isn't reality. The endless cycle of pain that's never able to heal is just life. Yes, we will make the same mistakes over and over again, and repeat unconscious patterns and coping strategies that we've picked up throughout our suffering. We will learn each time, tiny, incremental changes, that help us to grow and make choices that make us feel better, instead of worse.
Whilst navigating Complex PTSD, I have struggled with the belief that I am fundamentally broken and having a 'normal' human life is just not possible for me, as I felt unable to stop self-sabotaging. Sometimes I'd do it subconsciously, not realising my ADHD brain had made impulsive decisions before finding myself in them. Experiencing trauma can make you feel like a burden to those around you, convincing yourself that everything is hopeless in an invisible torture chamber, as this play showed. However, this is a thought pattern that keeps us trapped: this is the cycle itself.
What this play didn't show is how experiencing suffering like this can make you a pillar of support for other people. How it can make you appreciate the small moments, those others might take for granted, like the kindness of a friend. How it can lead to incredibly deep, fulfilling connections. How it makes you different - which isn't a bad thing, but a good thing. CPTSD is a neurodivergence, because trauma literally changes our brain.
The reason I do all of the things I do is because of this trauma. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone and wish it didn't happen, but I wouldn't have read or written so many books without it, because this was my survival strategy growing up. When I published my third book I remember feeling deeply miserable, because it felt like no one in my life particularly cared. I have struggled with intense loneliness throughout my life, but this is what led to ADHD: an A to Z .
You get a different sense of success to society, which frees you from these standards.
For me, it's choice. Little decisions like walking out of that play, because I just don't need to be re-traumatised. It's choosing Diet Coke instead of tequila, getting to a yoga class, making it outside, managing to do the basics, and helping others. When these little things make you feel better than the big things, the big things are easy.
As a child, I didn't have a choice. Today, I know I do, even if it doesn't always feel like it. So do you. What we choose to consume becomes our reality. That's why I left this play - because I get to choose how I feel.
Life is not a safe space, but it’s not always a terrible one either. We’re living in extremes - not at all or in your face. This play felt like an extension of social media, the worst of 'online harms' shown over and over again for 4 hours - a real life TikTok scroll.
The reality is generally far more boring than that. Just the simple waking up and choosing who we want to be that day. Challenging our reactions & thoughts with reality. Attempting to have conversations about feeling mediocre and lonely and wanting to know if our friends still like us. Then beating ourselves up for feeling bad about these things when there's 'real' suffering going on in the world. And repeat.
If this resonates with you, here are some reminders that have helped me:
Children should be protected. You are not responsible for the things that happened to you as a child - or as an adult - even if you've been told these were your fault.
However, taking personal responsibility for the consequences of these things is the most empowering thing you can do. Bad things happen to us all, but we get to choose what to do with the feelings.
You are not crazy. You are a human being, having a human experience. Whatever you're feeling right now, other people have felt too.
Your past does not define your present, or your future. The secret is tuning into how your brain is replaying old narratives & changing the station.
You can and will get through the worst feelings imaginable. This too shall pass. If it feels impossible, just remember a time you've felt similarly. Get to bed - things always feel better in the morning.
You are not broken. You are a human being. This pain and suffering is all part of your journey. There's no magic fix for your trauma, because you are not broken and do not need to be fixed.
You are not a burden. The people in your life appreciate you - they wouldn't be there if not. Yes, even family - take it from me. Letting them help you is a gift - it makes us feel good to help each other, as human beings.
Trust is earned, not given automatically. Even if feels like you can't trust anybody at all, there is usually one person in our life that proves us wrong. Not all people are terrible, as much as it might feel like that. Catch your black & white thinking.
Acknowledging and talking about your trauma is important to be able to move through it, because it will just bubble up inside you. You do not necessarily have to do this in a huge announcement to the world or a therapist - but just sharing the thing you're afraid to share with a friend in a way that feels comfortable (like a letter) can be life-changing. They will not run away screaming from you, I promise.
You do not need to have experienced a 'level' of trauma to feel bad. Your feelings are valid, whatever they are. If you're crying for no reason, cool - be nice to yourself instead of beating yourself up. Your body knows what it's doing. Pain and suffering is relative: you are allowed to be upset about 'small' things.
We are living in a constructed world, where we attach the meaning to words and decide what 'success' means to us. Words like crazy, lazy, broken, stupid, failure, success - all of these are abstract concepts. We are believing narratives & holding ourselves to impossible standards - so try being kinder to yourself.
It is possible to heal from trauma: just look for the light. Prove yourself wrong. You are just a jelly bag of bones and muscle on a spinning ball of rock, and the only point of our time here is to enjoy it.
Hope is the key - so I hope this helped!