How to navigate ADHD challenges in relationships

In the spirit of Valentine's Day, here's a chapter of my book ADHD: an A to Z that wasn't included in the second edition, all about ADHD & dating. Enjoy!

ADHD can be very difficult to navigate in romantic relationships. There's many different reasons for this, yet probably most significantly is the fact that two people are choosing to entwine their lives together, but they might think completely differently.

If you have ADHD, your brain is wired in a different way to someone without ADHD - which isn’t necessarily a ‘bad’ thing, it’s just different. However, in dating, we tend to enmesh our responsibilities and obligations together, and this is where the impact of the ‘different brain’ can show up most clearly.

Malfunctioning ‘pickers’

By pickers, I mean the tool in our brains that dictates who we are attracted to and choose to be in a relationship with. People with ADHD are usually seeking novelty and simulation, something (or someone) that will activate a production of dopamine in their minds. People who like us and simply want to spend time together don’t tend to set off those adrenaline receptors, because they equate to stability, security, and a routine.

Give us someone who's unstable with showing affection, who might need ‘saving’, who is ‘dangerous’ and represents a challenge in some way, and we’re hooked. It can be incredibly difficult to figure out how to stop being attracted to people who are simply put, not good for you.

To overcome this, it takes a lot of patience, self-compassion and self-awareness. Dating someone who has a ‘secure’ attachment style can be much more difficult in terms of the effort and trust that needs to be put in, but it is worth it. You deserve to be in a happy, loving, and equal relationship. Dopamine can be found in other ways, like trying new things - it doesn't have to come from drama and pain!

If you have ADHD, try to slow down the ‘dating’ part as much as you possibly can. ADHD might make us rush things, and it’s really important to take your time when getting to know someone, as trust is earned. One idea is setting a limit on how often you can see a new person (or people) in a week, and keeping a list of red / green flags. Be mindful that ADHD may make us seek out people that might not be that good for us!

Hyper-focused dating

People with ADHD have the ability to hyper-focus on activities, interests or people. In a dating context, extreme infatuation is called limerance - a sudden influx of chemicals in our brains that we don’t normally have.

This can feel addictive, as it's self-medicating with endorphins and hitting the excitement button in our brains. This means it can literally make a person with ADHD feel better in terms of their general well-being in comparison with not being infatuated, though we may not understand that this is what is driving the intense feelings.

However... this can suddenly stop. There's no rhyme or reason, but when the excitement wears off (such as when the ‘honeymoon’ period ends), it can literally feel like the intense feelings have been turned off like a light switch, which can be very upsetting and confusing.

It's important to recognise that the feelings might still be there, but they might just need adjusting to as a ‘normal’ level of interest instead of an intensely focused one. It requires an open and accepting understanding and communication about ADHD, and a secure partner who can accept that this is a symptom of ADHD and work it through, without taking it personally.

My advice is when getting into a new relationship, to try and keep calm and accept the (very strong!) feelings that may arise. One way of dealing with the hormonal changes induced by infatuation could be a form of exercise, or spending more time with friends. Try not to act upon your intense feelings too quickly and acknowledge that they may be arising as a symptom of ADHD. When they wear off, remind yourself of the reasons you got into the relationship - if the person hasn't changed, it's unlikely that your true feelings have.

Co-dependency

People with ADHD may easily find themselves in co-dependent, one-sided relationships. These can arise as a result of feeling ‘bad’ at certain things such as administrative tasks and finding a person who can either do those or provide a sense of purpose in other ways. Co-dependency is often associated with enabling addictive or negative behaviours, and involves an excessive reliance on other people for approval and a sense of identity.

Due to the low self-esteem that accompanies ADHD, we might prefer to date people who need ‘saving’, so we feel a sense of worth in the relationship. This tends to be quite unhealthy, because it's perpetuating the belief that we need to ‘do’ things in order to be loved, and enabling negative behaviours of another person which is actually not a kind thing to do in the long-run. It can also be a result of not understanding our own needs when we have ADHD, resulting in people-pleasing.

On the other hand, people with ADHD could be the person being enabled. We may be in relationships where we're ‘looked after’, which can contribute to a parent-child dynamic - not hugely romantic!

Although it can feel very reassuring in the beginning to have somebody looking after things we struggle with, such as financial matters, it's actually very unhealthy to be in this position as it makes us vulnerable to exploitation and abuse. It takes away our sense of responsibility for ourselves and stops us being able to pro-actively manage our own symptoms of ADHD, which we may not even realise until there's a problem.

These situations can also result in resentment building up. This can feel confusing, especially for a person with ADHD who is extremely sensitive to rejection. They might react by withdrawing from the relationship and feeling excessive shame about having ADHD, which is another issue in itself - when ADHD is labelled as a ‘problem’ to be fixed. It simply means that you and your partner may think differently, neither of which is right nor wrong.

If you have ADHD, it's important to take responsibility for yourself - the only person you can control! It’s a great idea to have therapy and/or ADHD Coaching, especially during any stressful or intense times in your life, or find someone to speak to about any relationship difficulties who isn’t your partner.

Arguments

The difficulties in regulating emotions and impulsivity that accompanies ADHD can result in explosive arguments. People thinking differently can result in different ways of living their life, and if there's not a good understanding of what ADHD involves then it can be very difficult to navigate in a relationship. The non-ADHD partner could get angry with the other person for something they're simply unable to do, continuing the shame-cycle that likely underpins many of their symptoms.

Relationships require compromise on both sides, and the ability to communicate without reacting defensively, angrily, or impulsively to vulnerable situations - including asking for help and communicating our needs.

Arguments are a normal part of any relationship, but the ADHD-aspect that can be difficult to navigate is the continued emotional reactions. People with ADHD may really struggle with understanding and regulating their own emotions and communicating calmly. It can feel as though everything is very urgent and panicked, due to our sense of ‘now or never’, and low self-esteem. If arguments are not resolved, then they can fester and build up in the background, ironically threatening to topple everything at any time that they might be triggered.

An understanding of ADHD symptoms is really important here, because it allows us to acknowledge the gap between thinking and acting, which can result in impulsive, hurtful choices. Both people need to be able to state their own boundaries and trust the other enough to be able to have a conversation about how they feel.

Couples therapy can be extremely helpful for people with ADHD to explore how it's affecting a relationship, especially when it's ADHD-informed (I'd strongly recommend Zoe!).

Shame

ADHD can result in a lot of shame when showing up in a romantic relationships, as our ‘real’ selves may feel under the microscope of another. It can be very difficult to have the ways we live and think judged by another person - whether real or imagined - and bring up a lot of instances of childhood, where we may be fearing rejection. Shame can make us react very angrily and isolate ourselves off from other people.

Shame is a debilitating thing to feel, and something we likely experience on a daily basis with ADHD. It is the embarrassment of not being able to be ‘normal’, of being ‘different’, of not being able to do things that seem easy to other people, such as organising household bills. It can make us feel incredibly lonely as we long to be accepted but are terrified of being rejected for having ADHD, often lashing out along the way.

People with ADHD may be more vulnerable to dangerous addictions such as alcohol and drugs, and our impulsivity may result in ill-thought out decisions, such as affairs and the spontaneous breaking up of a relationship, which can be devastatingly painful. We then suffer with the shame of our impulsive decisions, likely causing more numbing behaviour such as drinking alcohol or having more relationships, which perpetuates the cycle of shame and negative feelings.

This knowledge alone can make people with ADHD afraid to enter into relationships out of fear of feeing like a 'bad' person. However, we often don’t give ourselves enough credit - and if you’re reading this, then you’re already doing a LOT of work in understanding yourself, which the majority of neurotypical people may not be doing. People without ADHD may also enter into affairs and addictions - almost 1 in 2 marriages end in divorce nowadays, though people with ADHD are twice as likely to be divorced.

We all have the capability to hurt another, ADHD or not. Having ADHD doesn’t mean that you are an ogre who might explode at any time. It just means that you may need to be more mindful than most people in regulating your own brain to ‘slow down’ with theirs. It's not necessarily right or wrong - we aren’t in the ‘hunter-gatherer’ world where ADHD would probably be very helpful in keeping us alive! We are in the world where people enter into marriages, which tend to have boring parts, and need a lot of work. In our society parents take responsibility for their children, instead of having a tribe help bring them up, with different people excelling in their own areas specific to them - we have to do it all.

It is important that ADHD isn’t approached as a ‘problem’ that one person has in a relationship. This can contribute to feeling as though you are in a parent-child dynamic and like there is something ‘wrong’ with the person who has ADHD, when it simply is an adjustment to figuring out what works best for both of you.

There's many brilliant characteristics accompanying ADHD which is what helps make us such great partners - fun, kind, empathetic, creative and thoughtful, to name a few!

Honeymoon period vs ‘reality’

Relationships are hard work - for everyone! Once the happy, hormone induced high of infatuation wears off, the reality of a relationship can appear. This is when we stop projecting our hopes onto the other person of what we want them to be and start seeing them as they actually are. It can be a bit of a shock, as we realise that the person we thought was our soulmate actually might have different opinions to us, or might not be quite as shiny and exciting as we thought they were.

The reality of relationships, especially long-term ones, can be confronting for a person with ADHD. They involve compromise, sharing of household chores and administrative tasks, and possibly bringing up children: who are a lot of work! There’s also the potential for a lot of rejection and need to regulate ones emotions. It’s important to be upfront and aware of how ADHD can play a part in any relationship, and to recognise any symptoms that arise as just that: symptoms. You are not your ADHD, and they can be managed in a variety of ways.

For example, the partner with ADHD may become frustrated at their partner’s inability to stick to commitments, or do household chores. This can then result in a sense of ‘nagging’, where the symptoms are categorised as simple laziness, selfishness, or a failure to care about the other person, generally resulting in shame. However, an ADHD informed approach can make these tasks accessible to everyone, such as with clear expectations and gamification.

Distraction can also be difficult, so thinking of ways to counter this, such as having no phones in the bedroom, can be very helpful. You can also act as body doubles for each other, providing accountability for things such as exercising and doing these together.

It’s important to face the issues that ADHD can cause in a relationship head on, to communicate openly and discuss what your needs and wants are. You could do this by writing down all of the ways that ADHD may show up in a relationship for you, what warning signs may be coming up, and how a partner could help you best through it.

As a partner without ADHD, providing patience, reassurance, and understanding is key. We thrive on positive reinforcement, so don't forget to compliment your partner and tell them how much you appreciate them. Our internal narratives may be pretty mean, so anything you can do to help counteract that is incredibly helpful, such as providing reminders of how much you care. For example, you could tell each other something you appreciate each evening before going to sleep.

Ultimately, it is really important to take ADHD seriously in a relationship. We think of accommodations in the workplace, but not at home - it's so vital to have conversations about this and for both partners to take it seriously. It's not a problem, or something to be fixed, but a difference - which needs compassion and understanding.

Become an ADHD Works Coach in April here: https://adhdworks.thinkific.com/courses/become-an-adhd-coach-january