Learning to Take Off the Mask
By ADHD Coach in training Malea Stanton
“Normal.” “Fitting in.” Well, what is “normal” and what do I need to “fit into?” In a neurotypical world that is.
In a neurodivergent world, “normal” would be having a million thoughts running at 100mph in our head, forgetting about appointments, procrastinating on a project we had 2 months to do, and daydreaming when someone is conversing with us. And those are just a few to name in our “normal” neurodivergent world.
So, what is “normal” in a neurotypical world? I have no clue! However, from what I’ve learned from masking and trying to fit into this neurotypical world is that there is no such thing as normal, and it takes more energy to adapt to social expectations than embracing your true, lovely neurodivergent self.
Easier said than done right?
If you’re anything like me, you have been masking, knowingly and unknowingly, for most of your life. Before and after diagnosis. It’s a little scary to give up the security of the mask especially when majority of us experience Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD). But trust me when I say this, there are people who will love you mask-off. You will love yourself with time and with the right support network. If I learned this, so will you. Here is my experience with masking and how I learned to take it off.
Before I begin, I am not undermining our men with ADHD as I sympathize with every ADHDer who has struggled and still struggles to take off the mask. I am not a man; therefore, I have a different experience. One I want to share. I am giving you the perspective of a woman with ADHD living in a neurotypical patriarchal world.
Have you ever gotten caught up in masking that right after you responded to what someone said you pause in your head and ask, “did I really just say that?”, or “what are you talking about, you don’t agree with that at all?”
I certainly have. Sometimes still do depending on how comfortable I am in an environment. Masking is when us ADHDers camouflage into society to “fit in” in with our peers, and it can be helpful but also harmful to our own self-esteem and identity. Masking comes in multiple forms ranging from stimming, coming up with excuses for being late, putting in twice the amount of energy and effort than your peers to complete a task, and suppressing the urge to interrupt. All ADHDers mask in some way, shape or form. Personally, it has helped me focus in on conversations, getting to an event early, and organizing my space before someone comes to visit. However, it has also harmed me by questioning who I am and how I feel about my true self.
In elementary school, the boys were fidgeting and shouting in class and the teacher would excuse their behaviour. “They are just being boys.” But me, if I was fidgeting and not focusing on my work, I was not being “ladylike,” something was “wrong with me”, and I was “trouble.” I would often bounce my foot or keep pulling on the elastic on my wrist to help me stay still and focused. In middle school, other girls were mean and would knit pick on subtle details that I wouldn’t even notice I was doing.
I began to be known as the “quiet one”, and never asked questions in class even though I had no clue what was going on. I didn’t want my peers to judge me and think I was dumb. In high school, everyone was taking Advanced Placement and Honours courses while I barely passed Algebra 1. I felt I was constantly on alert, like a deer perking up its ears when they hear a hunter’s foot crunch a leaf. I didn’t want anyone to be able to read my thoughts, afraid of what they would say if they knew what was going on in my head (applause to them if they figure it out because most of the time, I have no idea with all the thoughts racing 190mph).
As women and young girls, we live in a patriarchal driven socially constructed world. We are constantly fighting against gender roles and how we traditionally “should be” and how we should look. However, being neurodivergent, it feels as if there’s an extra battle of finding where we “fit in”, and that’s where masking seems to take root. Masking may look effortless and natural, but it is some of the most exhausting work I have ever done. Procrastinating on a school project and working my booty off until midnight and then turning it in the next day to have all my peers say, “that was the easiest assignment ever”, “only took me an hour to do”, which to I respond “Ya! So easy!” while I have bags under my eyes and am on the brink of burnout.
I struggled with masking, burnout, and RSD for majority of my school years, and unfortunately never had access to ADHD coaching. If I did, I know I would have used the tools a coach gave me and apply it to my life. Also, if I felt like I had support in school, my mask may have come off a long time ago. Since I didn’t have a coach, I had to learn from trial and error and constant RSD which I pushed through.
In school, if I did poorly on an exam, got a disappointing look from my teachers or parents, or got a strange judgemental look from my peers after doing something impulsive or “weird”, the rejection I felt was like an out of body experience where I was looking at myself and everyone else was pointing and laughing at me. I would immediately put that mask on and hide in my shell deep in my brain.
Up until my undergrad years, I could probably count on one hand how many friends and family knew me without the mask on. My dating life was pretty much non-existent because I got bored easily, they didn’t really know me, and I would be so afraid they would reject me mask-off that I would just self-sabotage the relationship. It was really lonely. I wasn’t sure if I even knew myself, and I hated that.
But then something happened. My mask slipped by accident in front of two girls I had known for maybe a month in university, and they liked me! When I usually felt ashamed for an impulsive thought and action, they embraced it with open arms. From then on, my mask slowly disappeared when I was around them until it was just another forgotten object in the bottom drawer. These two girls became my people, my support network, my greatest cheerleaders. They taught me that I am worthy of being loved and showing my true self. I learned to love myself and embrace all my unique ADHD traits.
I’ve learned to not care what anybody thinks of me. If they can’t take me with my mask off, then they don’t deserve my time! Changing my mindset of being okay that not everyone will understand and like me did WONDERS for my RSD. There will be people who won’t “get” you and you’ll need the mask on to be listened to, but it’s important to learn to differentiate when the mask goes on and when it goes off. What has helped me with my RSD and taking the mask off is when I meet new people, I’ll let the mask slip for a second. Based on the person’s reaction, I’ll know if they are welcome in my neurodivergent world. I’ve also learned that it is okay to have a few close friends instead of 100s who wouldn’t know you can’t eat food without a show or music in the background because you can’t stand the sound of chewing.
All that matters is if you love yourself and surround yourself with people who support and love you mask-off. Because YES, I will interrupt you if I know how your sentence finishes, I will have a new hobby every week that you can’t keep up with, and I will let you decide where we are going for dinner because I HAVE NO IDEA if we should have Mexican, Italian, Sushi, or take-out. That’s too big of a decision to make.
When the mask comes off, you learn who your people are. You won’t even realize the mask is off until you have the impulsive action to squeeze the face of a guy who you have only been seeing for a week and you are MORTIFIED! Only for him to laugh it off and say, “that was awesome.” Then a year and a half later, you are living with him, and he turns to you one night and says, “I am so glad you did that”.
If you take anything away from this, please let it be this: You are loveable with that mask off. You are strong enough to take it off. You are strong enough to overcome the rejection that will sometimes come when it is off. Find your support system whether that be friends, family, significant other, therapist, or coach. You will thrive when you take that mask off to reveal your intelligent, beautiful, unique, neurodivergent self.