The Overlap Of Trauma & ADHD
Trauma is the Greek word for wound. When we think of a cut, it doesn't matter how you got it - from a knife, to paper, it still hurts. A dagger could make the same impact as a paper cut. Falling off a cliff could result in the same broken bones as falling off a bike.
Trauma is not what happens to you. It's what happens inside you as a result of what happens to you. - Gabor Mate
Until the age of 21, I didn't realise that I had experienced trauma. As in, 'negative event(s) that were so overwhelming I couldn't properly process or move on from it', but was having lasting effects on me.
I thought it was perfectly normal to be undressed by strangers and told to lose weight by them, to be called lazy and disgusting by the people who are meant to love you, and for my teacher to ask the entire class if I'd cheated in my exams. I didn't realise that I was being groomed, or bullied, or abused, because no one around me signalled there was anything wrong with that.
I knew that I wasn't normal, but I didn't dare tell anyone about it. I thought it was my fault, and that if I told anybody how my brain felt like it was on fire all the time, I'd end up in hospital. I believed that I was responsible for the things that had happened to me, because quite often, I was literally told that they were.
It was only when my life fell apart after university that I realised that maybe these things were connected, after a stranger told me I should seek help. I remember initially being deeply offended by this comment, but looking back, I can see how much denial I was in.
More generally speaking, ADHD can have the same effect. Thinking differently to most people can make us feel as though we are the problem, because nobody else seems to be struggling with being 'normal'.
Being different is typically shamed in our society, right from school age, where not fitting in can equate to being uncool. As adults, we mould ourselves to fit into working environments, or risk not having a job or means of survival.
People with ADHD have often grown up with the narrative that they are 'too much' as they are. We are also more at risk for experiencing traumatic events. When we try to get help for the lasting effects of this, we may be dismissed as 'just not trying hard enough', or called 'dramatic'. These 'negative events' can be very difficult to process properly, because we are effectively being denied help, leaving our symptoms to worsen.
Trauma can solidify these beliefs that we are indeed the problem. A common response to trauma is to internalise it, and attempt to blame ourselves, as a way to control the powerlessness we may have experienced.
This week, I learned how the amygdala prevents us from being able to make rational decisions in our pre-frontal cortex, keeping us trapped in worry and rumination. With ADHD, many of us are acting from this constant state of fight or flight, often as a result of a lifetime of feeling as though we are somehow broken and questioning whether we are just 'making it up'.
The amygdala processes the unknown, comparing new information and experiences to those we've had before - and is smaller in ADHD brains, impacting our ability to process emotions.
Researchers have estimated children with ADHD receive 20,000 more negative comments than our peers by age 12, and these comments get lodged in our brains as an internal monologue.
This keeps us trapped in a state of acting first, and figuring out why later. We can endlessly intellectualise our feelings, tricking ourselves into believing we're incredibly self-aware, without ever actually feeling any of them.
This is why neurotypical-based models of support like traditional therapy and coaching can be ineffective for people with ADHD, because we don't have the same control over our thoughts and emotions as neurotypical people do.
The amygdala is our instinct area: it affects our ability to make simple decisions. The executive functioning skill of problem solving is already 30% developmentally delayed by ADHD, so we're often fighting against ourselves. The irony is that most of us are constantly in problem solving mode, with endless ideas popping up due to a lifetime of having to figure out 'creative adjustments' to living in a neurotypical world.
When we're living from a heightened state of emotion, particularly in relation to trauma, then we're less likely to be able to trust ourselves or others. When we can't self-soothe or process our overwhelming emotions to be able to tell the difference between the past, present, and future, but instead, act first, we complicate things with impulsivity. This results in us blaming ourselves, and to feel hopeless - as seen with a 5 x higher suicide risk for people with ADHD.
Attempting to solve unsolvable problems, such as ruminating on whether somebody likes us, or whether we'll be fired for being ourselves, is stimulating - especially for an ADHD brain that thrives on stress. When we've also experienced trauma, it can keep us in this loop, interpreting our experiences as danger.
I recently saw a post on LinkedIn which questioned the validity of various types of trauma, particularly in relation to people with ADHD and things like 'passing exams'. Ironically, I did actually once almost take my life for not passing an exam, which meant I wouldn't get into university, and saw no future. I was extremely fortunate to have someone who advocated for me and saw this exam go up by 14 marks, but I don't know if I'd still be here if not.
I'm not sure what benefit it has to anyone to gate-keep these terms, but we are all living in a traumatic world. Collectively, we have all experienced the trauma of a global pandemic where millions of people died, and literally being gaslit by a Government that did lockdowns, eat out to help out ('the virus') schemes, instructions to return to work, then to stay at home or face £10,000 fines, all whilst partying and singing karaoke. Then think about all the war, violence, climate crisis, lack of support, cost of living crisis, and so on - it's hardly surprising that so many people are struggling.
The ability to process our experiences is the greatest freedom we have, because this is the only way that we can fully heal from them. For any of us to be able to function in a world like this requires us to be able to be self-compassionate, and to validate our experiences.
One person used to always tell me to think of the 'starving children in Africa' when I was upset, which made me beat myself up further. Nobody chooses to be unhappy, but invalidating our own experiences traps us in these loops.
What is traumatic for one person, may not be for another. I have spent a lifetime dismissing my 'trauma' as being 'not that bad', which has led me to believe that I was not worthy of existing. I now have to deal with the consequences of this every day, in every interaction I have with the outside world.
From having panic attacks when the doorbell rings, to running down the street in the dark, to going to sleep with a knife, or regularly waking up screaming - these lasting effects can't be neatly summarised in a box and marked off as valid or invalid (especially by strangers on the internet). We can't dissect the precise cause of each one and deem it worthy, we can just look at trying to minimise the impact today.
Words do not belong to anyone, but they can empower people on an individual process what they have been through when we can 'name it to tame it'.
There's many 'neurotypical' people who do the ADHD Works Coaching course & comment on the unusual and enlightening experience for them of being a neurominority in that group. It is very difficult for anybody to truly understand what it's like to think differently to 'most' people, until you have been in that position yourself.
Similarly, it's very difficult for anybody to truly understand the pain that keeps you up at night, or keeps you working incessantly, driving yourself into the ground, without experiencing this yourself. As Katie Whittington 👩🏻💻 explained, the diagnostic criteria for mental health depends on how well you can describe your lived experience to a stranger - and their willingness to want to help.
There's a huge conversation around trauma and ADHD, namely that one causes the other, or some variant of this. All I know for sure is that I've never met a person with ADHD who hasn't had experiences that leave them with some form of lasting traumatic symptoms, all of which are valid. The science says that ADHD is a neurodevelopmental condition, which means it's something you have from birth, your whole life - regardless of 'trauma'.
Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is an experience unique to ADHD which is triggered by something, which differentiates it from chemical imbalances causing mood swings in other conditions. Whether that trigger is your thoughts, memories, experiences, real life or perceived rejection, the fact is that this is still incredibly painful.
I strongly believe that everybody's experiences are valid, and they have the ability to decide what that means for them. Ultimately, if you are struggling, you are struggling, regardless of how much you think you're overreacting - and you deserve help.
So, if you take something from this, please remember that we are all doing our best. We cannot change what has happened to us, but we can change how we respond to it. We can change what we do about it.
It is not your fault, but you can choose what you do next, even if it feels like your brain is battling against you. I have had a tough time of it this week, and finding these reminders I'd previously written helped me:
Children should be protected. You are not responsible for the things that happened to you as a child - or as an adult - even if you've been told these were your fault.
However, taking personal responsibility for the consequences of these things is the most empowering thing you can do. Bad things happen to us all, but we get to choose what to do with the feelings.
You are not crazy. You are a human being, having a human experience. Whatever you're feeling right now, other people have felt too.
Your past does not define your present, or your future. The secret is tuning into how your brain is replaying old narratives & changing the station.
You can and will get through the worst feelings imaginable. This too shall pass. If it feels impossible, just remember a time you've felt similarly. Get to bed - things always feel better in the morning.
You are not broken. You are a human being. This pain and suffering is all part of your journey. There's no magic fix for your trauma, because you are not broken and do not need to be fixed.
You are not a burden. The people in your life appreciate you - they wouldn't be there if not. Yes, even family - take it from me. Letting them help you is a gift - it makes us feel good to help each other, as human beings.
Trust is earned, not given automatically. Even if feels like you can't trust anybody at all, there is usually one person in our life that proves us wrong. Not all people are terrible, as much as it might feel like that. Catch your black & white thinking.
Acknowledging and talking about your trauma is important to be able to move through it, because it will just bubble up inside you. You do not necessarily have to do this in a huge announcement to the world or a therapist - but just sharing the thing you're afraid to share with a friend in a way that feels comfortable (like a letter) can be life-changing. They will not run away screaming from you, I promise.
You do not need to have experienced a 'level' of trauma to feel bad. Your feelings are valid, whatever they are. If you're crying for no reason, cool - be nice to yourself instead of beating yourself up. Your body knows what it's doing. Pain and suffering is relative: you are allowed to be upset about 'small' things.
We are living in a constructed world, where we attach the meaning to words and decide what 'success' means to us. Words like crazy, lazy, broken, stupid, failure, success, trauma - all of these are abstract concepts. We are believing narratives & holding ourselves to impossible standards - so try being kinder to yourself.
We're living a world that is both talking about and stigmatising mental health more and more. For example, the stigma around ADHD 5 years ago would be that only hyperactive school boys had it - but now, it's that 'everyone' has it.
Try your best to ignore the stigma, arguments on the internet, and remember that your experiences are valid.
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Image credits from this excellent article.